Some important shifts that I’ve made over the last decade

I’ve been reflecting recently on the fine line I’ve tried to walk throughout my decade-long growth journey as a white male leader immersed in racially and gender diverse settings. 

On the one hand, I want to grow my awareness of how I am showing up, how I may unintentionally be negatively (or positively) impacting others around me, and how to do better. 

And yet on the other hand, I am not interested in performing a role that others define for me, whereby I am expected to say, do or agree to certain things that signal that I’m somehow "woke" or "the good white ally". I want to show up as my full authentic self, not some robotic version of myself. And I think that’s what my colleagues and friends of all races also want from me.

While I by no means have this figured out, I feel like I am well down the path in this journey. What has helped me the most? I’ve been able to come up with two general categories.

First, I simply got curious about race and whiteness as something to understand and learn. I started exploring the history of race/whiteness and how these things operate today. 

Second, I changed how I think about myself and my relationship to the race and diversity conversation itself, and I practiced showing up this way (including taking some risks).  

Below are some things that have helped me in each of these categories, and I hope they help you too. I'll write more about each of these in subsequent posts. As always, it’s helpful to have a coach who can walk with you on this journey, reach out to me if you want to talk.

Get curious & learn about race and whiteness:

• Know the origin story of race. Race is not some essential truth about who we are. The idea of race and whiteness was invented 400 years ago with a very specific purpose in mind. john powell (this and this) and Jacqueline Battalora offer great teachings on this. Learning this history can help us begin to see race and whiteness as something we’ve been taught and have internalized, not something we inherently are.
  
  
• Explore what we mean by “whiteness” today? Okay, so that was 400 years ago. What does it mean to be white today? Many have explored this, from John Biewin’s series “Seeing White” to Tema Okun’s “white supremacy culture”. Explore these and other resources, even if you don’t agree with it all (which I don’t expect you to). Learn to look for the “partial truths” in any perspective. As Ken Wilber says, “Nobody is smart enough to be wrong 100% of the time."
  
  
• Get in touch with both the upsides and downsides of whiteness. Yes, white skin comes with privilege and we need to look at that. But it’s also important to explore what we have lost in identifying with whiteness (at least as it was originally constructed 400 years ago), which is an identity that disconnects us from our true and highest selves. Explore how you have felt a sense of disconnection from your highest self, especially in conversations around race. Ask yourself why this is.

Change the way you relate to yourself and to the conversation on race & diversity itself:

• Learn to notice both the “interiors” and “exteriors”. When it comes to race, there is a lot of focus on “exteriors”: skin color, what people do/say, how people are/aren’t seen. We must also get honest about our “interiors”. What do we think and feel, but are afraid to say out loud? What do we really want deep down? The Möbius Strip exercise from The Center for Courage & Renewal can be helpful here. When you’ve begun to notice and honor your own interiors, start practicing noticing other people’s (we all have ‘em).
  
  
• See yourself in the race conversation, and not just negatively. So many times when we talk about race, white people think that the conversation isn’t about us, or if it is, it’s only about how racist we are (historian Nell Irvin Painter refers to this as “the toggle between nothingness and awfulness”). Neither of these ways of entering the conversation are very constructive. Notice how you or others may be placing yourselves in this binary. Ask yourself how you’d prefer to enter the conversation, and try showing up this way.
  
  
• Get clear about what’s at stake for you. White people often fall back on the refrain “we’re just here to be good allies”. But this assumes that we don’t have anything to gain or lose for ourselves in the work for racial equity. Unless we are in touch with our own stake, we are unlikely to take the risks needed to make deeper change. Ask yourself “why is this work important to me?” And then ask yourself, “why is (answer) important to me?” Keep going until you get to something that feels deeply personal to you (i.e. it hits you in your gut).  
  
  
• Look at this as an opportunity to build your internally-sourced power. I wrote about this in my previous post. As a white man showing up in conversations around race and gender, it’s easy to feel like we are being expected to give up our power and take a step back. While there is no doubt some truth to this, I found a lot more energy when I started seeing this as an opportunity to build my internally-sourced power. Adult developmental psychologist Bob Kegan talks about this as the ability to “recognize that your thoughts and feelings do not just ‘show up’ on their own, or are created by others (‘You make me so mad.’) You can see that you yourself are the creator of your feelings, and you begin to make yourself more responsible for your internal system.” Now that’s inner power.

​

• Have an analysis, hold it lightly. Human beings are way too complex to ever fit neatly into a theory. Any attempt to make blanket definitions about people (i.e. “white people are like X”) at best fails to capture our inherent complexity, and at worst can be dehumanizing and dangerous. Learn how to embrace complexity, both-ands, and non-dualistic thinking. A good way to do this is something I learned from Diane Musho Hamilton, which is to train yourself to see the sameness and the differences in any group, and learn how to talk about and work with these, without making them wrong.​
  
  
• Recognize your triggers. Even after doing all this work, it’s still so easy to find ourselves in a defensive crouch. And as my friend and colleague Gabe Wilson teaches, the first thing that goes out the window when we are triggered is our ability to listen and connect with others across difference. Identify people or moments that trigger you the most. Practice noticing in the moment when you get triggered. Try this “Presence Reboot” exercise from Anese Cavanaugh to put yourself back in the driver's seat of your own mind and body.